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Bisa sharing sambil belajar Bahasa Inggris.
Berikut kita share salah satu sesi Ms. Dini dengan muridnya. Kamu akan dapat koreksi detail yang bikin skill menulis kamu makin jago.
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ESSAY STUDENT
Some people think that parents should teach how to be good members of society, others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Children, either girl or boy is a miracle which is send by God. Rasulullah SAW said, “Every child is born in a state of fitrah. Then it was his parents who made him Jewish, and Christians, as the perfect cattle was born, were there any disconnected ears?” (H.R. Abu hurairah). From this hadith it is implied that the responsibility of the child’s education is in the hands of his parents. School where is can be means to be a place that children has an education from his teachers, is a place that he can learn about how to be good members of society. But, I thought not just school, he can learn that lesson. They can learn also at home, with his parents.
School, where is a place that usually children spend his time from 7 a.m. until 15.00 p.m. (almost of his day) is also a place that he can meet another people for the first time. I remembered that in my first school in the kindergarten, I went to school with my mom, she waited me when the school started until it finished. She waited me in front of the class, and looked at me from the window of the class. She waited me for a week. School is a place that he can meet more people than in his family. He can meet a lot of people from another house, another background, another neighborhood, and also another area. At school, firstly, he can learn about how to get an interaction to other people, how to make a teamwork with other people, and how to show his empathy to them.
Home, is a place that parents give their children their love, their protection, his need which is tendence primary, secondary and tertiary and also the education for their child. Home is a place that the children knew his parent for the first time. Home is a place where he can get together with his family, can loves each of them,and teaches a good manners. Home is a place that he can get an interact with the member of his family. As a parents, we could give him an education how to be good members in the society, like we could teach him to be disciplined, give an honor for an older people than him, etc. Culture ability, like how to speak, how to walk, and etc, was not brought by him from the birth, but it obtained by learn, I thought it “education at home”. Home is a key of the success or the failure of his education in the family.
From both of paragraph, we knew that not just school or home that can teach the children how to be good members of society. But school and home give a mutual support to be. So, as a parents we can not leave our children’s education just at school, we have to teach him again beside school. We can teach him to have a good responsible, teach him to be a good members in social community, teach him to have a good character.I thought, anything that we can do as a parents today can influenced our children at the next.
Ms. Dini Review
First of all, the minimum word counts are 250 words that should be written within 40 mins. My suggestion is that just try to meet this requirement since on the real test I doubt you can write this long for 40 mins. Another reason is you tend to make more mistakes as you write longer which is not really good for your score.
Second, this is a discussion. It means that you are supposed to talk about both views. What are the views on putting the responsibility on parents and how about putting them on the schools? The structure of the writing can be like this:
- Introduction: the simplest tip is try to paraphrase the topic quite a bit and add another sentence that will connect it to the next paragraph.
- The views on “parents”. What do you think of the views? Examples?
- The views on “schools”. What do you think of the views? Examples?
- Conclusion: conclude everything without adding new opinions. Which one is the best? You can be in favour of one of them or both of them
Sample of the introduction:
It is unarguable that it takes a lot of effort in raising children to be good members of society. There is a discussion as to who should take the responsibility. Some people argue that the burden should be placed on the shoulders of the parents while others believe that educational institutions should take charge of the issue.
While I got the ideas of every paragraph but since it’s too long it made me a bit tired of reading it and there are so many grammatical mistakes. There is a tip, for every paragraph just have 2 main ideas, then add one or two sentences to explain them as well as the evidences.
As an example, the paragraph for “parents”
Parents are the first contact of any children, therefore they should be the first people who educate the kids regarding social values. In addition, toddlers learn through imitation hence parents must demonstrate well-mannered behaviours for them to copy. Young children usually look up to their parents, thus parents should be able to be good models by showing them positive examples.
Some connectors you can use to improve your score:
- Therefore : as a consequence
- Thus : as a consequence
- Hence : as a consequence
- While : at the same time as
- In addition : to add another opinion/argument
Some words you can use:
- Regarding : about
- Look up to : adore, admire
- Should take charge : be responsible
- As to : about
(The second paragraph) Some errors you made:
School where is can be means to be a place that children has an education from his teachers, is a place that he can learn about how to be good members of society. But, I thought not just school, he can learn that lesson. They can learn also at home, with his parents.
Where is a connector, “is” is a to be, can is a modal. Don’t mix them all up like that. And try to be effective in giving your idea, the can be just shortened like this and the point is still conveyed:
Schools can be a place where children are educated by the teachers about how to be good members of society.
School, where is a place that usually children spend his time
Children and his? Children is plural while his is singular? Be consistent, use singular either plural for everything. You can check yourself that you made this mistakes throughout the writing.
she waited me when the school started until it finished. She waited me in front of the class,
Waited for me.
Maybe for the second paragraph you can express your main idea first, explain it then give an example. Here you mix them all up. You explained it, then told your story then explained the same thing again.
For the third paragraph, there are too many explanations for the definition of home. You can simply explain with one or two sentences and people with get it.
Example:
Home is certainly the first educational place that children know. Here they firstly come into contact with their parents who will teach them basic but necessary skills. For instance, children learn through parents on how to interact with as well as to respect adults. If parents can successfully instil this value, then children can fit into society easily.
it obtained
Passive : To be + Past participle
Culture ability
Here is the form: adjective + nouns. Examples: educational institutions, cheap stuff, cultural abilities.
So, as a parents we can not leave our children’s education just at school, we have to teach him again beside school.
Cannot not can not. You can simply say “the responsibility should be placed equally both on the shoulders of parents and schools”
I thought, anything that we can do as a parents today can influenced our children at the next.
Can + V1. At the next? Just say in the future.
You can use “in conclusion, to sum up, finally” for your conclusion.
Paket yang Anda bisa ambil:
WRITING CLASS
Rp600.000
For those who want to take TOEFL iBT, IELTS, Scholarship Essay, Business Correspondence, Blogging, etc.
8 articles @ 400-500 words.
8 sessions WA Chat discussion
ini nanti minimal @60 menit. Anda bisa chatting dan wa call dalam membahas materi artikel tsb.
Sebelumm kelas guru sudah memberikan koreksi kesalahan grammar. Jadi sesi kelas adalah pembahasan!
Seru kan 🙂
